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[Aug. 18th, 2008|12:55 am] |
Dear "You",
I hope that you're thinking about me. I hope that I cross your mind frequently. I hope that the day you return home, you will call me right away, and then show up at my doorstep, fall into my arms, and stay here. I want this so badly. I want it because it just may be the only thing that could possibly make this year bearable. It would do me good to believe that maybe, just maybe, all the pain and misfortune has simply led me to you.
I'm sorry that I've been fickle. I've always loved you; I just didn't want to. You didn't exactly make it easy for me, with your mood swings and reclusive tendencies and ever-present ex-girlfriends. I let somebody simple love me instead. Somebody simple and pretty. And now, I have come to realize that I never wanted simple, I wanted you. Crazy, complicated, awkward, obnoxious you.
Dammit, we're friends. I tell you all sorts of personal shit about myself, and yet, for some reason or another, I cannot bring myself to tell you how I feel about you. |
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[Aug. 16th, 2008|01:12 am] |
The love and the sadness inside me have grown like weeds, like tumors. They are caustic and there is no longer room for any other aspects of my personality. No wit, no joy, no creativity.
To think, I was happy a year ago. I was happy even less than a year ago. |
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[Aug. 4th, 2008|09:46 am] |
It's odd...with Brad out of the picture, interaction with Eric is just awkward. Before, it was a case of not saying anything because that would be unfaithful, and now it's just insecurity. I know I like him and I'm quite sure that he likes me, but I guess I'm just too emotionally unstable to say anything at this point. I'm probably better off alone anyway.
Everything is the same way that it was in the beginning. Once again he is heartbroken over some crazy bitch who didn't deserve him in the first place, I'm disillusioned and unhappy with my life, and we're both too neurotic to be honest with each other.
We're exactly the same, and two people in quicksand cannot pull each other out, now can they? |
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[Jun. 16th, 2008|06:00 pm] |
All these people that I'm talking to online right now have no idea that I'm bawling my eyes out as I type to them.
I want to die. I want to not exist anymore.
I no longer appreciate anything in my life and I do not have the courage to follow my heart. Therefore, I want to die. |
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[Jun. 9th, 2008|03:34 pm] |
Three months ago, a good friend of mine passed away, and I have not been the same. She changed my life and I cannot believe that the world is still spinning without her.
I am healing. I am doing the best that I can, but the rest of my life isn't easy, either.
I am having seizures now, which I haven't had in about twelve years. I do not understand why they are back. It's fucked up and it makes no sense.
It is difficult to keep myself occupied and distracted. I have no job as of yet, my friends are busy with their own hectic lives, and my significant other lives in another state.
And speaking of significant others, I'm not even so sure if I am in love with him. I should be, because he's handsome and sweet and wonderful, but I don't think that he and I are entirely compatible.
He is young, and I am not as young. Three years may not seem like such a huge difference, but it is. In those three years, I have experienced so much and seen so much. I feel as if I am too damaged and he deserves someone pure and unsullied. He doesn't see the emptiness, and I think I need someone who does.
The thing is, I think that I know exactly who does, and so I am conflicted.
I will discuss all of this further in future entries of this journal.
These are the creases and stretchmarks of living.
These are sea changes. |
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